Guest Post: Right and Wrong and Breastfeeding
February 28, 2013 in breastfeeding, LDS, modesty, Mormon
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Right and wrong. In general, the lines are pretty clear; don’t kill people, don’t steal, eat your vegetables, etc. but there are some things in life where that line is muddled a bit, or maybe it’s just placed in the wrong spot.
As an LDS lady, I have been taught to value modesty all my life, and I most certainly do, even to the point of dreading the possibility of accidentally exposing myself. Now that I am married I especially appreciate modesty from other women. I don’t believe it is specifically a woman’s responsibility for what goes on in a man’s imagination, that is highly unfair, but lets just say there are some men who are really struggling keep their lusty thoughts at bay and it is courteous of women to help them out.
After having been taught to value modesty, I have recently come across a challenge to my values. I was once a part of the group of people who say, “breastfeed, of course! But always cover up!” My thinking was that men don’t need to see that, and I don’t want my husband to have to see that! Oh how naive was I thinking!! We women always want to protect our spouses from temptation, but there comes a point when they have to take responsibility for their own wandering eyes and imaginations.
Once I had my own baby to breastfeed I really began to understand the struggles of breastfeeding. My daughter is six months old and I STILL have anxiety about breastfeeding her in public. What is that all about?? Well, it is about many things really, but what it comes down to is being afraid of exposing my breast. As if that isn’t enough for me to worry about, I have also had someone express their discomfort about women publicly breastfeeding because the exchange of bodily fluids was disturbing, and it has also been suggested to me that I not speak openly about breastfeeding.
The last thing I would EVER want to do is expose my breast in public while breastfeeding. I have already known men who weirdly are into that kind of thing and the thought of one of them getting his jumblees on over it disgusts me. Now I have run into a problem. I am terrible at covering up while breastfeeding. My daughter was a month and a half premature and so we were already at a disadvantage to breastfeed, as she had to start out with the bottle. Once began to coax her into breastfeeding, I discovered that covering was nearly impossible. I had to be able to watch her so she wouldn’t suffocate (hear head was soooo tiny!!). I also had to guide the nipple into her mouth. Trying to hold a blanket in place over a screaming wiggly baby while guiding (if it wasn’t in the right place she wouldn’t stay latched) a boob with the other hand, well, I don’t have enough hands. I tried to cover my head as well as the baby’s and then I realized that I couldn’t breathe. It was hot an stuffy. How’s the baby going to feel?? I don’t want to suffocate my baby! Now that she is older, she doesn’t like the blanket at all and has a hard time breastfeeding with it in her face.
Now with all the experience, I cannot for the life of me understand why people are not more understanding toward women who breastfeed, covered or no, because it is hard.
I am in disbelief about the woman whose temple recommend is being threatened if she doesn’t stop nursing in sacrament meeting. Something is wrong here. Women are given the ability to sustain a life besides their own with heir own bodies, a gift given to us by God. But this God given responsibly is something we are supposed to hide? At a GREAT inconvenience and impracticality?
I prefer to keep my business private because that is how I was raised but I can’t tell you how many sacrament meetings and other meeting I miss it on due to getting up to feed my hungry/fussy baby. Sure there is a speaker in the nursing lounge, but there is usually always other mothers in there talking to each other or myself and sometimes there is not enough seating for all of us. How awesome would it be if I could just feed my baby whenever wherever without being judged or scrutinized for taking care of my God given responsibility?
Courtney McVey Bruce is a student at Arizona State University and mother of one daughter. She writes at her cooking blog here.
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I nurse my baby anywhere and anytime, including during church meetings. I’ve never used a cover and just hold my head up high. I see nurturing and nursing a child as pretty much as close as you can get to a sublime, holy act, and I will not hide it.
You go! Breast feeding is difficult but it’s a healthy choice. I applaud you. In one of my wards the mother’s room was a room inside the bathroom that was noisy and smelly and the chairs were from the 70′s so I went inactive, not on purpose it just ended up that way. I didn’t become active again until my daughter was in nursery. If family comes first then breastfeeding should be welcome anywhere in Church.
Awesome post! Thanks for speaking out. I wish the church were a safe and supportive place for mothers and babies. I’ve always felt pressured to go to the mother’s lounge to nurse and I wish that weren’t the case.
My first five babies were fine with me covering up and I was an expert, but my last would not tolerate any cover. I wish people were more considerate of a baby’s right to eat and a mom’s right to leave the house. If someone has some sort of sexual fetish regarding breastfeeding, it is their problem, just like people who have feet fetishes. There are a whole lot of naked feet out there. People in bare feet aren’t trying to tantalize anyone. Asking the world to not wear sandals so no tempting thought arise is stupid. Similarly a breast that is slightly exposed as a baby eats is not there for your viewing pleasure. It’s baby food. It’s not sex. It’s as simple as that.
Oddly enough I read a BYU student opinion column that asked girls not to wear sandals because of foot fetishes.
I love your comparison to foot fetishes. So true!! And David, that is just hilarious. Or sad.. Not sure which.
Can I just say, Amen!! My oldest is 14-and I was the mom who had kids before all my friends. I didn’t have anyone else to “pave” the way on what was culturally accepted and our ward was mostly older widows. I breastfed without shame, and there wasn’t an eye batted in my direction. Keep on, friend! You are providing sustaining life to your child and THAT is holy.
At some point, people need to take responsibility for their own thoughts. No nursing. No sandals. No breathing, because that makes those breasts move temptingly. It is ridiculous.
I LOVED your post and totally agree! I only have one child – whom I breastfed until he was 18 months. I spent a lot of time in the stinky little nursing closet at church (usually even using a cover there!!) because I didn’t dare nurse him anywhere else. This whole thing has given me a lot of confidence that if/when we have another child, I won’t be as scared to breastfeed in public. I totally agree that it’s baby food – not sexual. Thank you for your well written post!!!!
I read a Mormon feminist opinion once which stated that state of pregnancy and the resulting acts of labor, birthing, and breastfeeding are considered ordinances. Whether it is doctrine or not, I agree with the sentiment.
Great post! I have 6 children and have breastfed by babies everywhere from airports to T-Ball games to restaurants. With my last baby my husband was bishop of our ward. I couldn’t just get up in sacrament meeting and leave 5 kids sitting alone, and I wasn’t about to drag them all out with me. I fed by baby when he needed it and that was that. I’m not sure if anyone ever noticed or not. If they did, they were kind enough to pretend like they didn’t.
I agree that it shouldn’t be weird to nurse in Sacrament Meeting but I disagree with what some of the women are saying in their comments- that we don’t need to cover up while nursing. The breast is still a sacred part of your body and you should treat it as such by not showing all who can see in a church meeting. You also need to respect the privacy and modesty values of other people even if you don’t agree with them. I don’t want to see other women’s breasts during a meeting where I am trying to focus on my Savior and I don’t want to have to keep my children from staring and sit next to an uncomfortable husband. I really can’t believe that some women would be so disrespectful of other people and not cover up. It’s not about trying to keep men’s thoughts “in line” because you are right, they are big boys, they can control their thoughts. It’s about respecting other people’s values on modesty and helping everyone feel comfortable in church. Nursing covers are great for that purpose. As for nursing in public- I couldn’t agree more, I support it and think everyone else should too if women also in turn agree to cover up.
Kaity – it’s totally a cultural thing here. Women in other countries walk around without shirts – either because they can’t afford them (third-world countries) or because when they’re nursing, it’s acceptable. *shrug* The point is that some women are okay with not having to be dictated by cultural norms.
You’re right,and more power to those women for not worrying about cultural norms! For me, I am a blend in as much as possible, don’t make waves kinda girl and it was hard for me to see at first why anyone would want to nurse uncovered. BUT, every culture has people that don’t abide by the norms and that’s fine, it happens a lot, that’s life, we get over it. =) There shouldn’t be a “wrong” way of breastfeeding. There are cultural norms about it like you said, but they don’t have to be followed. To me, it’s a respect for others thing and I believe that I should do what I can to make others around me feel comfortable. It would also make me feel extremely uncomfortable if I didn’t cover up because that’s me- blend in girl. On the other hand, another women may feel extremely uncomfortable trying to nurse covered up in public and may feel uncomfortable with the fact that she is pressured to have to make other people around her feel comfortable at her expense. So what is the answer? A woman should do what she feels most comfortable doing- covered or not. I see both ways now and both ways are right. I don’t think the problem lies within whether or not we should cover up in public though, I think the real problem lies within the stigma that breastfeeding in public is getting- (covered or not). Women are being looked down upon (and even punished- threatened to have their temple recommend taken away!?) for nursing in public and should they be punished or stigmatized? Absolutely not is the answer. That’s too bad that is happening. Breastfeeding isn’t something women should be punished or looked down upon (or blamed for men’s thoughts) for. I guess that is the real issue here. Covered or not, women shouldn’t feel guilty for feeding their child and wanting to be apart of the social situations around them at the same time.
Kaity,
If you’re concerned about blending in, try breastfeeding UNCOVERED. I can only go by my experience, but I know that for me and others I have observed, we blend in far better when nursing uncovered. Using a blanket or nursing cover is like waving a huge flag that says “LOOK OVER HERE!! I’M NURSING!!”
Every woman and baby nurses differently. I’ve gotta pull my whole breast out to nurse so im pretty sure that would draw as much attention as a cover. Also my son cant nurse in public without a cover because he gets so distracted with everything going on around him he will break the latch over and over and wont even eat. So the point is that there is no wrong way and we shouldnt judge others for what they choose to do. The point that the article is trying to make is that women are being stigmitized, blamed, and look down upon for nursing in public regardless of whether they are covered or not. So lets all stop arguing about what way is the right way to nurse- uncovered or covered and start supporting each other in our rights to nurse in public by encouraging words and positive attitudes. Not by arguing and putting down one another’s way of nursing in public.
That’s the thing, kaity-it’s about what mom and baby are most comfortable with. My baby screams when I try to cover him and has since about 2 months. He’s 1 today. I would draw way more attention to myself if I tried to cover him than simply latching him on. I’ve practiced in a mirror and in front of others and I show less skin than when I wear a v neck shirt. I also think I should respect my son WAY more than some random stranger. It gets extremely hot and sticky under a nursing cover or blanket. I don’t understand why I would place the comfort of someone I don’t know over mine or my child’s. It also took him 30-60 minutes to eat for the first several months, so excusing myself wasn’t always practical or what I mentally and emotionally needed.
Before formula was marketed as superior to breastmilk, breastfeeding openly was the norm. I’ve read of Relief Society presidents nursing while conducting in island countries. I’ve read that in Mongolia, the saying is “the best wrestlers are breastfed until there 7″. There is so a collection of breastfeeding photos and prints that clearly show the time we are in now where breastfeeding could be described as immodest is very strange. Here is the link: https://facebook.com/home.php?__user=1539480147#!/HistoricBreastfeedingPhotos?slog=369831807&seq=2130943680&rk=0&fbtype=65&__user=1539480147
The bottom line is that it’s a baby eating. Period. The end.
Thank you for this comment! So true! If only everyone else could be so clear headed about it, more women would be comfortable with breastfeeding no matter their circumstance. But I guess that is why we write this stuff. We can’t open everyone’s eyes, but if only one or two at a time, that’s still a victory! Thank you David for posting these articles!